Exposed

I don’t run my blog by anyone before I post it. In fact, I rarely even read it before I hit the dreaded “PUBLISH” button. If I did, I would undoubtedly edit my words, soften the hard edges, and clarify some of the details that I often mistakenly forget to include. Although I try to be honest here, I do reserve much for all of the same reasons you do. We all have this fear of being judged at one time or another.

I had a little epiphany last night. I say “little” because it shouldn’t have been a realization at all~ in fact, it should have been rather obvious to me… but I’m often the last to know   🙂

This last year has been very transitional; emotionally, spiritually, and even relationally.  For example, there was an end to an unexplainable riff with my parents that had literally ceased all communication with them. The details are unimportant but the bottom line was that we went a few years without calls or cards. There were hospitalizations I wasn’t aware of, there were graduations and trips that happened in their absence, there were the random musings of any given day that weren’t shared…and it wasn’t the first time this had happened.

I believe the experts refer to this as dysfunctional.

Yes, I’d have to agree that there has been a continual, repetitive breakdown within my family of origin. I’m in awe of families who are each others best friends~ it seems almost geeky Walton’s to me…. in a beautiful, envious way.
The realization I had last night was that even though I strive … no, I labor and toil in an exhaustive effort…to keep peace and communication within my family of origin as much as I can, I still fail. We’re all so different and maybe the miles that have distanced us, the cultures that we now live in, or the life experiences we all bring to the table has amplified our separateness by too much of a margin. Whatever the case is, there’s more co-existence than relationship sometimes. If there is one thing I’ve learned so far in life, it’s this. Sometimes “I’m sorry” just doesn’t erase what’s been done and sometimes the lack of an “I’m sorry” creates a wide canyon between people. “I’m sorry” is enough for God but it isn’t always enough for us.

I operate from a place of fear when it comes to my own family. There’s the epiphany. I can’t imagine my children having families and lives that don’t include me. When there’s an issue and tempers escalate, the possibility of the dreaded “we’re not speaking ever again” is so real that it literally prompts me to react in very self destructive habits that temporarily remove me from the fray. Epiphany #2…well, not really a NEW epiphany but certainly newly identified…I tend to drown my fears.
And there’s more. I drown my disappointments and my victories, too.

And that isn’t good.

Some people drown in alcohol, others drown in food.  Many drown in devastating activities like extra-marital affairs or shoplifting or out of control spending, etc.

But lots of people are drowning and lots of people are judging. I judge people who are drowning in their chosen self destruction all of the time! Maybe because it’s not the particular destruction I lean on… or maybe because it IS.

It’s December. The things I promised myself for 2012 didn’t all come together as planned but His plans are bigger than my own. Maybe these realizations and discoveries I’ve uncovered over the last day or so will help me give God a hand instead of battling His path for me.

Blessings, Amy