Almost a Year….

I love writing. It’s my creative outlet. Simply put, it’s about the closest thing I possess that mimics creativity.
I haven’t written here in nearly a year…and what a year it has been. Putting my thoughts down was an overwhelming task over the last 11 months~ things I had counted as concrete and unwavering in my life were suddenly missing. I felt a little like Dorothy when the house slammed down in The Land of Munchkins somewhere in Oz; disoriented, afraid and plain ole lost. It was as new to me as climbing Mount Everest or taking a rocket to the moon.
It’s my belief that when one suffers the loss of someone they love, a true and viable part of our heart literally feels as though it may break… the fragility of that brokenness is something that requires time. As far as time healing all wounds, I don’t know if I believe that’s true. Rather, I think the wound bears the scar and though the pain lessens, the scar is a reminder of what was lost.
Such was the loss of my dad. It rocked me. And right behind the loss of him, another loss followed. 2015 was unkind.

But I’m writing today so you know I didn’t give up (though there were days when I really, really wanted to). In the spring of 2015, I came scarily close to doing what the great avoiders do when life gets tough~ I looked for ways to cope that could take me away from the pain and make me forget. Sound familiar? Yep. That lasted about a week and when I realized there wasn’t enough wine in all of Florida to keep me sufficiently numb, I laughed at my stupidity and got real with myself.
Become a middle aged woman stuck in a bottle? No thanks. I’ve seen those girls and it ain’t pretty.
Or…. Go to God and let Him know I’m pretty much a mess (and He already knew), ask Him for some help (and He provided friends out of the sheer mist. Old friends who showed up in gigantic ways and new friends who walked out my pain with me, sacrificial Pastors and 2 adult kids who slam-dunked the funk out of me), and ask Him for direction (and He put me in all of the places I needed to be). I chose to live well. I chose to treat myself kinder and actually become better.
Anyway, that was 2015. Good riddance, you ugly monster of a year that only served to kick me when I was down. I only thank you for the opportunity to rise up and create beauty from ashes. Yep, there are still some ashes on the floor and everything isn’t quite beautiful yet but it will be. Faith says so.

2016 is here. It has ushered in the promise of my first grandchild~ due on June 1st and who will bear the same middle name as my father. Who knew it was possible to love someone else’s unborn baby this much? I have to resist the urge to follow my daughter around with a protective barrier to keep her from any unnecessary harm, germs or chaos. I’m closer to God than I have ever been (which is a little scary considering I used to work at a church). I don’t hate anyone anymore and I realized through this process I had hated a sufficient number of offenders for decades. I’m a better version of myself than I was a year ago. I love more completely (myself included!), I forgive with little effort, I cherish every moment spent with those I love and I know what a gift they are. I never, ever forget what a gift my family is. I no longer take time for granted.

So, yeah…..let’s talk about time. We all know it’s precious- sort of. We know but we don’t. We get it but we don’t. We think we have enough of it but there’s not. We squander it away like its replaceable and it sure isn’t.
I’ve decided to take 21 days (that’s like a drop in the bucket, people!) to dedicate myself to fasting. I’m fasting to deepen my relationship with God and to hear from Him in the truest sense of the word. Is water the only beverage I’ll be consuming? Yep. Will that be tough? I’m sure it will. Will I be purging any processed foods from my daily routine and focusing only on fruits and veggies? Yep. But here’s the THING. Here’s the big THING. It isn’t about what I’ll be eating or what I won’t be. During the Daniel Fast (the fast my church and I will begin on Jan. 10th), we’ll spend time examining our hearts and working to align our ways with the way of the Lord. God tells us to fast and pray and tithe, did you know that? I’ve never fasted a day for God in 51+ years of life so this is the TIME. I need to clear out the cobwebs and spend time some time allowing God to eliminate strongholds and things that keep me (and those I love) in bondage and I’m convinced this is the way. Hey, I’m not judging you if you don’t quite get what I’m saying. I never got it either until the scriptures were explained to me and people that I know well told me what it did for them.

I will not be deterred or discouraged in this process. Every day during the fast, I’m going to type out what’s going on in my life spiritually and when the fast is complete, I’m believing for big things. Things only God himself can do. 2016 is the year when I step into major blessings~ I’ve known it all of 2015. The valley is behind me and the victory lies ahead so I’m claiming it~ it’s rightfully mine and it’s promised to me. What things are you believing for this year?