THIS is a hard day. I went to bed crying. I woke up crying. I’m still crying.
Today marks one solid year since my dad left this earth. I watched him gasp that last desperate bit of air and he left us. He left me. In the days since, I’ve needed him so much that the term heart broken has become literal; there are pieces of my heart scattered all over the floor. Shattered shards like glass that hurt to pick up.
I knew this day was coming. I have felt the heavy weight of it all week and had hoped it would be easier somehow than it is.
I struggle with knowing that the first man to ever love me is gone and I don’t even have the assurance of his place in heaven. I know that in his final days of fighting cancer, I tried to talk to him about God and heaven and how I wanted us both to be in the same place when we left this earth but he was resistant to speak about it. I pray that my dad and God spoke while my father laid in that ICU room, unresponsive and without hope, waiting to die… while we all just sat and waited for him to die. I pray my dad saw the angels come for him and that one day my dad will meet me again and envelope me in a bear hug that made me feel safe from the time I was just a baby.
I miss another important man in my life today. Even harder because he’s alive and well and choosing to not be with me on this day. The spiritual fast I’ve been on has brought me to my knees daily as I ask God to heal what the enemy has stolen and to restore this relationship to a God centered commitment. He and my dad are the standards of goodness in my life. Both fallible, both funny, both kind, both generous and both were my safe place in a crazy world….I’m a sensitive woman. I was born sensitive and remain that way to this day. I feel things very deeply; tragically, sometimes. When I am loving well and loved well, I feel contentment that reaches euphoria~ such is my sensitivity to love. Such is my heart.
Love never fails. I’ve held on to that scripture since 2003 when my husband I bought new wedding rings and had it inscribed inside the band. It’s a truth I cling to because God says it is so. I choose to not be of this world where people discard people and choose self over selflessness and pride over humility…. and I pray for those who are allowing their decisions to ripple through marriages, families, and generations. Hurting people hurt people. I’m so disheartened by what I see happening around me to people I love. People hurting people and never really understanding that it all comes down to love. If we loved well…if we understood that life’s greatest satisfaction comes from loving others more than we love ourselves…if we understood that love isn’t an emotion, it’s a call to action…if we understood that feelings can often lead us down paths of destruction and that’s why we NEED boundaries….IF…. If we understood that love never fails and humility is beautiful. If we just understood all of that and loved our families well. Loved God well. Loved as if love and covenants and God were all that mattered….because they are.
I hurt for many today. I look around and see others hurting so unnecessarily because of their choices and/or the choices that affect them. Divorces, addictions, suicides, etc. This sensitive heart of mine is overwhelmed.
My friend, Carolyn, posted a blog today that caught my eye and it made me weep harder between my sobs for my dad this morning. If you’ve ever had a serious marital problem or know someone who is on the brink of divorce, please share Matt’s blog with them. I believe this one blog post can save someone from making the biggest mistake of their life….his language is a little colorful because it’s raw. He’s divorced and his emotions match his verbiage. Please don’t miss it. She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink … you’ll want to read more of his stuff, believe me. He speaks from experience.
Families are God’s precious gift to us. The highs, the lows, the in-betweens. As I sit alone on this very sad, cloudy day, I have hope that God hears my heart and I remind myself that today has many hours left. My God can work miracles in a split second and I could really use one.
See you tomorrow.
Amy