When I started this blog just over 6 years ago, I did so for a couple of reasons. Mainly, I just really love to write~ it’s as cathartic to me as meditating in quiet, talking to a friend, spending time laughing with people I love or even praying. It centers my soul. It calms my spirit and renews me. I simply enjoy writing about my observations and about nothing in particular at large. If you are looking for Hemingway or Shakespeare, they’re not here. Just me and my life; the things I love and the things that I have learned.
Are my kids included in my words from time to time? Yes, because they amuse me and encourage me and never cease to amaze me. Writing without including those two extraordinary adults would be void of any truth inside of me and for all of the negative traits I may possess, being disingenuous isn’t one of them. Those two are my truth. My reason for being.
I also talk about my dogs because they’re literally an extension of me. They say people start looking like their dogs and I don’t know if that’s true but my dogs and I share some personality traits~ that’s a certainty! Wally is stubborn, observant when he wants to be and oblivious to hearing what he doesn’t want to hear. Kahlua is a little anxious but blissfully happy when surrounded by people who love her. And Arya….oh, my Arya. She IS me. She is fiercely loyal. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, she would jump in front of a bullet for me. She would gladly lay down her own life to protect me. She would stay in the fight for me until she took her last breath and would still look at me through eyes that see my best. Her only desire is to protect her home and those she loves. She is eager to please and looks SO strong but hides when things scare her….
and I do that, too. It’s why my blog sat here, empty and unattended, for nearly a year. I was scared and hiding. Thankfully, I have a circle of friends and some trusted family members that allowed me to hide for a bit, would pull me out from under the bed when necessary, would listen, would impart sound wisdom, would pray for me and would celebrate any small thing that would allow me to shrug off my fear for an hour, day or week. These encouragers and friends know who they are because I tell them but if I can ever encourage you to do anything at all, let it be this. Please. Surround yourself with people who want the best for you~ spiritually, emotionally, relationally, morally and physically. Don’t surround yourself with people who wallow in the mud and want you to jump in and wallow with them, convincing you there’s no harm in secrets and lies. Surround yourself with people who are better people than you are. They will make you want to be better; they’ll lift you to a place of confidence, morality, security and intellect and they’ll encourage you to keep pressing when the world is a dark place.
Authentic, healthy relationships will never take you to a place that spur you to be you immoral, unkind, dishonest, duplicitous or hypocritical. There is absolutely no exception to that rule.
In addition to my kids and my dogs, I’ve shared things through my writing, of course, that have to do with my husband and I. Our weekend trips here and there and everywhere, our motorcycle, our long history, our family, our passions, our friends, our coffee together on the lazy weekends, our home, the new things we’re doing (like me getting paid to write for a magazine and him renewing his passion for music)…. just our lives, in general. Everything that was good about us and there was much.
That was before I went into hiding because I was scared. I began being scared of my dad fading from me, then scared of his diagnosis, then of his eventual passing and of being left without him. Left on this earth without the first man who ever loved me was a reality I couldn’t prepare for and then I realized, in the midst of my grieving, that I was emotionally alone, too….treading those deep waters of loss without the safety net of 
my typically loving husband, a man who was my everything; the one who has loved me since I was 17 years old. Someone can be standing in the same room with you and be a million miles away at the same time. Being emotionally alone in my 31 year long marriage morphed into being physically alone just 10 weeks after I said my final good-bye to my dad. Ultimately, that’s how it was. His attention was somewhere else and I’ve spent the last year fighting like Arya would fight for me. Until my last breath. With fierce loyalty. Prepared to take the bullet that would save the person I loved.
Ironically, the bullet did come and did nearly take me out but God was with me all along. The hours and hours and hours spent on my knees over these months were not wasted. There were days of great hope for my marriage, sustained by just enough mixed-message words and actions sprinkled around like sand on a beach blanket that always encouraged me to stand firm in the faith that my prayers would be answered. I hungered for any affirmation to keep fighting and it always came. Just enough. Regrettably, about 2 weeks ago, public disrespect was the bullet that seared right through me. It’s never a good thing when 1500 people learn of something personally devastating before you do and it alters the course of everything.
Did God hear my prayers for the last several months? He did. Did God answer the prayer the way I had hoped He would? No, He didn’t. It was too late for my prayer~ what I had prayed against had already happened. God has chosen to protect me from what I was praying for because He knows my heart and my hearts desire is to never again live in the paralyzing world of distrust that I have suffered from (and forgiven) multiple times over multiple years. I am grateful that I will no longer hear words of affirmation while actions wound me time and time again. No, thank you for removing the habitual disappointment and inevitable heartache from me, God. I see the blessing even as I process it.
We can’t stand in front of the bullet and save people from themselves….I wish we could. I wish the world didn’t take people and change them into everything they once despised. I wish love really and truly never failed like we’ve said to each other dozens of times. I wish vows meant something to everyone who said them. I wish I didn’t have to think of our Christian motorcycle group that we founded together and know something once so great was the open door that the enemy used. I wish people didn’t hurt other people and the list of injured in this situation is lengthy….but wishing is for children and I’m not a little girl anymore.
Have I wanted to address anything this private publicly? No. I had not wanted to and outside of a small circle of people I turned to because I knew they’d pray and intervene~ on neither side but on the side of God and God’s will~ and some family members I thought (erroneously) might actually do the same, I have remained quiet and as committed to the cause as anyone could be. Sadly, not everyone stayed private and used discretion in this situation and so I want to tell those of you who have called, texted, and emailed me (and the friend who saw me in Publix and just stood there with tears in his eyes, unable to believe what he had heard and unsure how to ask if I even knew)…. I am fine.
I’m really, really fine. I have a grandson coming in just a few months, I am blessed with children who respect me, and I have a church family that has walked out being “the hands and feet of Jesus” ~ including two of the most generous pastors I have ever or will ever know. I’m a blessed girl and even though he is a cliché and I am now a cliché, I have gained my self respect back and my peace will come. I will never speak of this again on this blog or in a public forum but when disrespect thrusts a person in a spotlight they would have given anything to avoid, she must find her voice or continue to be scared and hide. I’m weary of hiding. I guess he was, too.
So….let’s move on to talk about way more honorable and fun things tomorrow….like my trip to Austin.
I can’t wait to eat some amazing vegetarian food, enjoy an ice cold craft beer and catch up on what’s going on in the lives of 2 of my favorite people.
I can’t wait to come back to Tampa next week and tell you all about it. 