I’ve gotten so busy that the blog took a backseat in my life once again. Good thing my blog doesn’t have emotions because jealousy would ruin our relationship.
So, as most of you know, I’m in this ugly stage of life called divorce. Hideous. I’m beginning to understand that no matter how compliant your soon-to-be ex spouse is or how efficient your attorney is or how supportive your friends are, the divorce process just sucks. Period. End of story.
That said, life goes on, as they say. There are still bathrooms to clean and laundry to fold and meals to prepare or friends to meet with and before you know it, you settle in to a new “normal”. The new normal consists of a different bedtime, for instance. I used to be passed out by 10pm and now I’m usually still awake at midnight. I used to be highly organized and now I lose my keys, wallet and other important items about 10 times a day. I used to have a routine and now each day is different. I used to… I used to….it’s a weird place to be. It’s like being in a corn maze with no possible exit and so you’re forced to just wander around day in and day out waiting for the light to filter in and the escape to be made clear. I don’t mean to sound maudlin because the process is temporary (and I DO know that) and it’s necessary (also quite aware of that) BUT the process is exhausting. I can’t speak to anyone else’s divorce experience but mine has felt like being shot out of a cannon at the circus. Unfamiliar, scary; a big boom followed by being suspended in the air for what seems like forever before falling onto the air mattress. I’ll be honest; I haven’t landed on the air mattress but I can at least see it.
I signed an apartment lease last week. The last time I signed an apartment lease on my own was when I was 18 and had my first fulltime job after high school as a bank teller. I lived in The Carlton Arm Apartments on Himes and there were gigantic, prehistoric palmetto bugs and I was terrified about 99% of the time I lived there but I felt independent and fiercely committed to doing things my way. No one was going to instill their rules on me anymore and no one was going to take care of me anymore because I could do it myself. I was 18 and had more bravery in my little finger than I had in my whole body just one year ago.
I’ve learned that divorce makes you brave. Even when it’s not your choice, you have to pick yourself up and remember who you were born to be.
I was born to be brave.
No one stole that bravery from me; I just kind of gave it away because I didn’t think I needed it anymore… that someone else would be brave for me. Reflecting over the last few decades, that would be the one thing I wish someone had told me.
Continue to be brave. Be independent. Don’t lose yourself in someone else’s life. Give your whole self to others but make sure you’re also giving your whole self TO yourself. Make sense? Always take care of your heart. Make brave choices when someone breaks it. Never think your heart is broken permanently and never allow bravery to keep you from being vulnerable… but always, always remain brave.
Love you guys.
Amy