Uncomfortably Numb

Well, here we are. Another birthday~ that makes 48 of these  🙂
A friend asked me how I was planning to celebrate and I truly feel like watching 47 go out the door is gift enough.  I think I said the same thing in 2011 and 2010…well, you get the picture. What a bitter response that is to even utter aloud to someone. I keep waiting for that magical year when all of the pieces will start fitting and all of the stars will align and it just hasn’t happened.

So, in my utter frustration, I’ve cried more this year than I ever have. I’ve cried nearly every day (**disclaimer, I was diagnosed with some sweet hormonal issues so I DO have that excuse**) but, even so, I’m tired of crying. Tired of questioning why some crappy things happen in life and wanting to be more thankful for the good things that happen that I’ve given little attention.

Then a thought occurred to me that has repeatedly plagued me in the last few weeks. I’m creating my own unhappiness in those areas where the pieces don’t fit. I have, up until today, taken my discontent very seriously~ worn it like a badge of honor even. I have tried to numb my disappointments, cover them up, expose them, ignore them and dissect them. There isn’t one tactic I haven’t tried using to come to terms with things that aren’t working out as I expected.

It’s just part of who I am; I have a need to figure it all out and fix it. The problem is that there aren’t always answers for my questions… or the answers are too complicated to decipher. To add insult to injury, I’ve learned that I can’t fix what I don’t understand. 

Today, I’m 48. Yep, being 47 stunk for the most part BUT I’ve got a choice to make. Spend another year dissecting, ignoring, numbing, and exposing or just start accepting and living. Seems like such an obvious choice.

So on the way to work this morning, in the grind of morning traffic, I heard Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb”. Now, ordinarily, this wouldn’t be that big of a deal and I know the lyrics to that song like the back of my hand. Or so I thought. Today, I GOT the words for the first time, though. “this is not who I am” and “I turned to look but it was gone, I cannot put my finger on it now, the child is grown, the dream is gone….I have become comfortably numb” and right there in traffic on 275S, I had an epiphany. There is NOTHING comfortable about being numb.

48 years to figure that out? Well, chalk it up to me being a slow learner. The important thing (the only thing, in fact), is that I don’t want to be numb anymore or figure things out anymore or even try to put the puzzle pieces together anymore. I just want to BE. Be where God wants me and how He wants me. I’m packing up my suitcase with my vast array of remedies~ all have failed~ and relying solely on the knowledge that God’s will for my life is perfect. Perfect. I don’t want to be uncomfortably numb for any of what is coming my way.